life, log

[98 of 365] Dear All, it has been a while

Dear Readers, Dear Me,

I do not know what to say…

Perhaps to put it bluntly, I might want a break.

A break from “everything”.

Hopefully I can use this opportunity to clear my head off.

Hopefully I can find myself back.

Who I really was before.

Who I actually was.

Not the “fake” me that I am trying to put up.

Regards,

Mike Nai


PS 1 : Realised that this is post #401, based on WordPress Counter…

PS 2 : The “fake” me, I am not someone
  • setup all self-harm, self-restrictive rules, all the should’s and must’s
  • who continuously post and take photos of food
  • who bakes
  • self-mandate to be vegetarian, plant based
  • incorporates a meal to have all food groups (less meat)
  • must be a balanced meal
  • who reads…, articles, blog posts
  • youtube’s peoples what i eat in a day, marcos, micros, healthy, clean
  • Sleeps around Late 8pm, Early 9pm, Unable to continue sleeping at wee hours (3am-5am)
  • Wakes up intermittently (hourly-bi-hourly) during sleep to pee…

PS 3 : The “before” (unmasked) me, before all these happened
  • Can be happy and satisfied with
    • Peanut Butter (Store Bought) + x03 slices of bread (Store Bought)
      • Peanut Butter – Any variants, no calorie reading
        • Sometimes if Nutella on offer I’ll have it
        • No such thing as homemade
        • The spread must be leveled on all corners
        • No such thing as 1 tbsp, 2 tbsp, 180 kcals, 200 kcals, etc…
        • No such thing as compensation with exercise
      • Bread – Any variants, although I prefer the Oat version
        • Sometimes I just let it be, and consume cheapest loaf
        • No such thing as protein, fibre, Low GI, kcals, sugar
    • (flooded) Curry Rice, with Pork Chop
    • Oily food? – Shit… next time just do not eat or buy from them only
      • No inspection or second thought about it
      • What Oil? Aiya, eaten already still bother about it? Nope.
    • Dinner? No need, something light will do
      • Cereal Drink
      • Bread
      • Etc.
  • No weight or statistics obsession
  • No worry or obsession of what is right, what should be done, what is wrong…
    • Health
    • Money
    • Work
    • Life
    • etc…
  • No money counting…
    • Not really in “saving” to max mode, although I am very conservative in spending
  • Likes swimming (alone)
    • Although I am not some champion or athlete build
    • More of a causal swimmer with the usual breaststroke
  • Likes “ahem” anime (weekly, monthly)
    • Most of my time is spent here…
    • Not like way above…
  • Likes to listen to music
    • Anime
    • English
    • Piano
    • Especially those sad, heartpain, heartbreaking, etc…
  • Some gaming
  • Forum Reading
    • Hardwarezone – Chasing on latest technologies
    • Although I do not really “buy” them, but I have cravings for them

 

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life, log, quote

[77 of 365] My relationship with myself – Is it fueling my disorders?

what is going on?
why did things turned up like this?
did I asked for this?
did I wanted this?
was I expecting this?
my life changed
my behaviour changed
my perspective changed
I lost so many things
money
food
family
work
habit
trust
dream – childhood
physical health
mental health
life
my favourites are gone
euro truck simulator 2
omsi – bus simulator
watching animes
downloading animes
animenfo radio
swimming
peanut butter
bread
plain waffle pancake
red bean or peanut butter – mian qing kueh
black coffee no sugar
old town 2in1 white coffee
what happened?
I am not myself anymore
I do not feel like myself anymore
I do not believe in myself anymore
I am designed by others
I am living someone else’s life
I am living the rules of the social media
I am struggling living day by day
what caused all this?
I have no idea
it may be influence
it may be fear
it may be habit
it may be misinformed
it may just be what I really wanted, but I lost sight along the way
my life now
fear of food
fear of calories
fear of weighing scale
fear of blood pressure and heart rate
fear of spending cash
fear of socialising or communicating
fear of failure
fear of change
fear of decision making
fear of missing out
min/max everything I do
constantly planning, spending time to maximise effectiveness
unsure what I truly wanted
unsure what I truly desired
unable to let go
hoping that things goes the way I want everyday
I wanted to be alone
I wanted to hide and help others but myself
I wanted to drive a bus
I wanted to drive a euro truck
I wanted to remove my father from my life
I wanted to live stress-free
I wanted to live worry-less
I wanted others to not look at me
I wanted others to not judge me
I wanted others to not comment me
I wanted others to side with me
I wanted things to be better without change
I wanted my work to be what I thought it will be
I wanted to try something else without fearing to start or failing or trading an equivalent effort
I don’t want to think about food, calories, weight daily
I don’t want to think about meal plans daily/tomorrow
I don’t want my stomach to keep growling
I don’t want my stomach cramps
I don’t want my stomach pains
I don’t want my stomach stretched
I don’t want my body to feel weak
I don’t want my mind to feel exhausted
I don’t want my mind to keep processing
I don’t want to see bread purchased and placed on the table
I don’t want to see food wastage
I don’t want to worry about how much to spend today
I don’t want to worry about the groceries expiry
I don’t want to worry about the upcoming medical appointments
I don’t want to worry about the upcoming reservist
I don’t want to worry that I will be late, wake up, work, next activity
I don’t want to worry about my father coming home at 0600hrs
I don’t want to worry about cigarettes, incense burning
I don’t want to worry about phone, TV noises
I don’t want to worry about my to-do list
I don’t want to worry about the next activity
I don’t want to worry about the plans for the next activity to be perfect and in order
I don’t want to worry about macro, micro nutrients of daily intake
I don’t want to worry if I had done enough exercise to maintain wellness
I don’t want to worry about the future when I cannot handle now
I don’t want this mentality
I don’t want this routines
I don’t want anymore rules
I want to live

life, log, quote

[101 of 365] Memento Mori

Despite harping on quitting to blog…

Here I am checking for “likes” count… why am i obsessive over such things?

Aren’t quality posts, or “what” i really wanted to achieve out the blog more important?

 

One short abstract that i read

When my coaching clients are suffering from distraction, I simply get them to start taking action. To get fired up. To do something specific.

This may be getting up earlier, or committing to doing exercise daily. Even if it’s doing something for just 5 minutes, it’s often that little push that it enough to get them going.

If you focus on a small number of things to create the change you want, it can have a dramatic effect on your business and life.

Quoted from https://www.lifehack.org/801741/increasing-brain-power

 

food, log, review

[Additional] Homemade Food, Stuffs

[Baked] Whole Wheat, Oat Bread


[Steamed/Baked] Dark Cocoa, Spinach, Black-Eye Bean, Chickpea, Whole Wheat Mantou


[Baked] Random Granola Chunks

IMG_20181001_150259


[Baked] Whole Wheat, (Overnight) Oat Bread


[Steamed] Chinese Radish Cake – Failed

  • Day 1 – Steamed
  • Day 2 – Re-Cooked by baking leftovers
  • Made with grounded rice, radish, mushrooms, spring onions

[Baked] Spinach, Egg, Oatmeal

IMG_20181007_174729


[Baked] Rice, Chia, Yeasted Bread

  • Probably need to cook abit longer
  • Kinda rushed to retrieve the bread out from the pan also…
  • Resulting in the tear at the bottom
food, life, log, review

[100 of 365] Overcoming Challenges

I believe there are better ways to explain and show my “thoughts” challenge and conquering or overcoming them…. without thinking too much about

  • calories
  • unhealthy
  • useless calories
  • non-nutrition
  • spending cash instead of credit card

So here goes…

  • Mr Bean – Red Bean Pancake (With Vietnam Soy Coffee – $2.90)
    • Previously posted already
  • The Salad Corner ($4.90)
    • I am surprised…
    • I finished the whole bowl in 1 seating
  • Peanut Butter Waffle ($1.60)
    • Yea, was very heaty… i regretted for being stupid to attempt it
  • Vegetable Pao (With Mushrooms, Carrots, etc… – $2.00)
    • Now i understand what my brother meant by it being oily… actually
    • So might not be very good to consume it daily…
    • Despite it sounding vegetarian
  • Jolibean – Peanut Butter Pancake or Mian Qiang Kueh ($1.70)
    • Dense, Thick, Filling
    • I was so anticipating for it
    • But some Prudential Girl had to spoil my lunch
      • She was very ill-mannered
      • Camped beside me while I was chatting and paying at Jolibean
      • The moment I turned to step off to keep the receipts
      • She pounced on me to do a survey with a paper scribbled with lots of circles
      • My hands were still holding the pancake and another with receipt, yet she kept insisting I must help her
      • I told her I haven’t even have lunch and give me a chance, but she claimed that she had not too, and I should help her
      • Was pissed, and she escorted me to another colleague to complete the survey
      • I scribbled my thoughts and left without leaving my contacts

 

Yup… the wall of shame or whatever. Anyways there are some missing images as I did not have the opportunity to capture them all and keep for memories.

Plus it only will trigger mindset of continuous calories intake tracking.

  • Vegetable Cracker
  • Coffee Cookie
  • Mocha Cookie
  • Cream Cracker
  • Lemon Puffs Biscuit
  • Some Taiwan Dou Sa Bing (Dao Sha Pia) with some interesting fillings
    • 300 solid calories…
  • Chocolate Puffs Biscuit

Anyways I learnt something after eating them…

  • Never filling
  • Sometimes it is a craving
  • But the sweetness and dryness just gets chunks in my teeth and does not feel good after eating them
  • And usually results in heatiness and sore throat
  • Yet… sometimes i just revisit them and eat again… =.=
life, log, quote, read

[99 of 365] When Life Loses Its Meaning : The Heavy Price of High Achievement

Are You Just Going Through the Motions?

Quoted from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/high-octane-women/201109/when-life-loses-its-meaning-the-heavy-price-high-achievement

First, I was dying to finish high school and start college.
And then I was dying to finish college and start working.
Then I was dying to marry and have children.
And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could go back to work.
And then I was dying to retire.
And now I’m dying …
And suddenly I realized I forgot to live.

Thoughts

This, this, this article. Really kicked my brain, my train of thoughts.

I do not know what to or even how to react.